Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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