I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
