Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
