I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
