So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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