he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
