worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
