have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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