well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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