Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
