Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
