God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
