Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
