My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
