bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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