I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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