So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
