atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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