An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
