I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
