please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need water and some morals
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
