I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
