At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
