He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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