Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
