FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
