Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
