she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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