I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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