As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
