Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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