I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
