my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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