i think my tv is drunk
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
