My friends, they love my intelligence
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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