When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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