I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
