My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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