Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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