I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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