So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
