I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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