If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
