Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
