are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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