im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I could fuck to npr.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
