Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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