I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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