I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
