Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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