Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
