You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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