She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
